You probably think, judging by the title, this is going to be a nice upbeat post. Silly ol' bear, don't forget who it is you're dealing with here.
I’ve been overly emotional lately (I know, I didn't even ease you into this). It happens occasionally and I usually don’t think about it too much. This time it’s a little out of hand. I’m angry and cursing within seconds of a single frustration. Or something I perceive as an attack (no matter how small) causes a deluge of tears.
I cry in the car a lot. The car is where my brain tends to run away from me so it makes sense most of my breakdowns would take place there. Not to mention, my car recently broke down and that caused two full hours of non-stop crying in my car at midnight in the freezing cold waiting for a tow truck. That night was preceded by a particular awful day so yeah: EMOTIONAL.
I was trying to figure out why I was being like this. At first, and this is the god’s honest truth, I thought it might be because I started rewatching Dawson’s Creek. Have you ever watched the Creek? It’s dramatic as hell and there’s a lot of sad episodes. I’ve always felt things too deeply, even when they’re not happening to me. When other people cry or are upset, it’s as if I can feel their pain as deeply as if it was my own. So I figured maybe this show is just hitting me weird, it’s been a while since I’ve watched. It’s a bad reaction or something.
Then I woke up the other morning at 4:30 to the sounds of birds chirping outside my window. Now if I were a Disney princess and woodland creatures helped me dress in the morning, this might be seen as a plus. I hate it. I HATE the sound of birds chirping. It wakes me up almost instantly and, as I said, I’m instantaneously pissed off. It’s hard to go about your day when you wake up in a furious mood.
I went to my journal and started writing. Started writing down every little thing that was frustrating me or making me upset. My family, my friends, my job, myself. Myself. Myself. Myself. Then as I was writing, it hit me what was going on. It’s Spring. Again, if I were in a Disney movie, Spring would be a wonderful thing to behold. But jesus Christ, I hate Spring and Summer. They are the worst seasons for me.
Spring and Summer are usually when terrible things happen in my family. People die a lot in the Spring and Summer. People’s diseases get worse. It’s never good. It’s reached the point where when I look at my phone in the morning, I’m expecting to see a message from someone telling me something awful has happened. My dog will be eleven years old this yearand my worst nightmare is waking up and finding out she died. Which brings me to my other issue: my imagination.
I do this thing where I can imagine perfectly how something is going to happen. A death, a situation, a fight, whatever. I can see it all as clearly as if it was being projected onto a movie screen. Which means I can live out horrific conversations and situations over and over again BEFORE they even happen. I wish I didn’t do this, I wish I could make it go away. For a long time, I used to consider it a blessing because I could be “prepared” for whatever was going to happen to me. But the truth is, you’re never prepared. I could play the situation three thousand times with different results and I’ll never actually be prepared. It’s as if I have to live through these things repeatedly and it doesn’t help anything. It sure as hell doesn’t help my sanity. There’s nothing I can do to stop the thoughts besides try and find the fastest distraction possible.
I’ve been watching a lot of stand-up comedy to try and keep my mind occupied. Reading helps too. I’ve been reading more, whether it’s books or fanfiction, they help. Dawson Leery said it best, “I reject reality”. If I can reject it for a few hours then I feel better. Until the next thing sends me spiraling. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I wish I wasn’t like this. As much as I love my imagination, I wish I couldn’t see the worst moments of my life before they happen (some might never happen and I can still see them). I can’t stop them but I can hold them off for a while.
Writing helps. It usually does. My journal’s been pulled out a lot lately. It helps to have it out of my mind and on paper. This time though, I don’t know, it’s more difficult for some reason. It’s like my default setting is on “Annoyed” and I don’t know how to turn it off.
For now, I’m going to keep doing what I have been, watching stand-up and sitcoms and trying to do fun things. Starting with the Pink concert on Friday with my Mom. Then going to the movies with my friend on Sunday.
If there’s one place in the entire world where my brain will actually SHUT UP it’s the inside of a movie theater. My version of church. Everything’s quiet and someone else’s life becomes the main focus for a few hours.