Time

I’ve always had a weird fascination with time. It’s a love/hate relationship to be honest. This year, especially, time seems to be the only thing occupying my mind. I’ve said to several of my friends how 2020 feels like the longest year in existence, but at the same time, it’s already August. How is that possible? Now, I’m rapidly approaching 31 and I have no clue how it happened.

I used to measure time through school. Easy enough. In grade school, I still had to get through high school and college. In high school, it felt like four years lasted fifty. In college, it felt like four years lasted thirteen seconds. Then I left college and I have absolutely no clue where the past nine years have gone.

Being a writer has always been a definite in my head. It’s what I’ve done since I was little kid. I’ve kept journals my whole life. I’ve written copious amount of fiction, fanfiction, narrative nonfiction, etc. It’s something I do every single day in some form or another.

I used to put all these time limits on my life. For instance, by the time I was 25 I wanted to be a published writer. When I hit 25 and wasn’t published, the amount of guilt and self-hate I threw on myself was enough to drown me. So, I set a new goal, I’ll be published by the time I’m 30. Well looky here, 31 is less than a month and still no closer. The problem is with the expectations. Things take time. Writing takes time. I might write every single day but it doesn’t mean everything I write is good. It doesn’t mean it’s worth anyone’s time to read it.

Putting time limits on your life, on your goals, it’s a good way to set yourself up for failure and to feeling like a failure. Life is so unpredictable. Things get in the way, deadlines are moved, other things take priority and there’s nothing wrong with that. We have to adapt. I’ve been on this earth for almost 31 years and I’m not a published writer which is something I’ve wanted my entire life. Yes, that breaks my heart a little bit BUT I still write. Every. Single. Day. That’s the part I love. That’s the part I can’t live without. That’s the part that matters. It’s taken me years to come to terms with this and there are days where I still hate it but then I write about it and I feel better. I hope it makes someone else feel better too. I hope you know that as long as you keep doing the thing you love, it doesn’t matter how long it takes for other people to notice it or if anyone notices at all, because you know. You know you’re doing what’s best for you.

Running out of time is my worst fear. It runs side by side with my thoughts of death. The fears of dying and not having left anything behind. Not having left a mark on the world. Not having mattered. What have I contributed if I’m not published? That’s the crap that runs through my mind all the time. It has to stop. We have to stop thinking about things we can’t control. Things in the future, however far into the future they may be, we can’t control any of it.

This past year I’ve been working so hard on not dwelling on the past and not obsessing about the future. It’s difficult because I’m the person who remembers something embarrassing that happened to me five years ago and instantly feels embarrassed all over again. I’m also the person who can’t stop thinking about death and how people can be wiped off the earth in a second. Then nothing. There’s nothing. It’s the nothing that’s the most horrifying.

Here’s what I’ve been trying to do to combat all of this nonsense in my head. I have to live in the moment I’m in. Not feel embarrassed about dumb things I did five years ago. Not worry about what my life will look like in ten years. Enjoy the moment I’m in. Granted, it’s difficult because 2020 is basically one massive garbage fire but I’ve been able to counteract that. I’ve given more to charity in the past five months than I’ve given in my whole life. It sounds like I’m bragging but it’s more about how good it made me feel to give back. To do SOMETHING, in a time where most of us feel paralyzed. I don’t have much, I’m not rolling in money, but if I can give Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon a portion of my check every month, then I can sure as hell give $25 to the Equal Justice Initiative every month. I can give money to Until Freedom. I can give money to the causes I believe in.

Those are the things I can do. Those are things that help others. That’s how I’ll be able to sleep at night. One of the most detrimental phrases is “There’s nothing I can do”. There’s always something to be done. Compliment someone. Don’t say out loud the judgmental comment you have floating around in your head. Give five bucks to the charity of your choice.

That’s where I find happiness. In those small moments where we can give back. That’s where time is on our side. We’re here, we’re a part of a historical year and I want to be on the right side of it. I want to help. Time can go quicker than we’d like but you have this moment, right now, the one you’re in. I hope you use your moment to do something to make yourself happy and who knows? Maybe the thing making you happy, might bring joy someone else as well.

Equal Justice Initiative: https://eji.org/

Until Freedom: https://untilfreedom.com/

Law Enforcement Accountability Project: http://www.leapaction.org/

Books for Children Exposed to Domestic Violence: https://www.facebook.com/donate/2406311603003411/10158328087541224/

Color of Change: https://colorofchange.org/