Self-Help/Self-Hell

                I read self-help books. There’s an interesting stigma around these types of books. I remember one instance in Pop Culture so clearly. In Sex and the City, after Charlotte’s divorce, they’re all in Barnes and Noble and Charlotte is looking for a book called “Starting Over Yet Again”. As she walks towards the self-help section, Carrie’s voice narrates: “The Self-Hell Aisle”. Charlotte was ashamed of wanting/needing to read this book, so she bolted from the aisle and ordered it online instead. Later, she threw the book out the window. When I was twenty something, this was hilarious. Now, at thirty, this is a gross overreaction.

                Let’s face it, as a species, we do not like to ask for help. We don’t like to admit we’re wrong. We don’t like to admit we’re failing. We don’t like to admit WE might be the problem. All these things fly directly in the face of what self-help books try to teach you. I think that’s a common misconception about these books though. They’re not there to tell you everything you’ve been doing incorrectly in your life. They’re there to point out how you can do what you’re already doing in a better and healthier way. They also help curve your negative habits and give you ways to cope.

                My self-help book interest came when a friend of mine bought me the book “Zen as F*ck: A Journal for Practicing the Mindful Art of Not Giving a Sh*t” by Monica Sweeney. Oh man, I love this book. Mostly because I give a shit about EVERYTHING and I’ve spent most of my life trying to calm down and not care. One of the reasons I loved this book so much is because it’s a journal and it gives you different exercises to do. For instance, you write down all your worries or all the negative thoughts you have about yourself and then you take your pen and cross out each one of them. It gives you a sense of physically getting rid of those negative thoughts by striking through them.

                I enjoy the activities in self-help books. It makes me feel like I’m learning and doing something to help myself, which is the whole point.

                The next book I bought was: “I Am Here Now: A Creative Mindfulness Guide and Journal” by The Mindfulness Project. This one I found very interesting. I’m not a person who notices a lot of things around them like nature. I notice people, I enjoy observing people and their behavior and I’m also very wrapped up in my own thoughts, so I don’t notice other things. This book is all about calming your mind and focusing on something you’ve been taking for granted. For instance, if you go for a walk, don’t take your headphones. Instead, listen to the sounds around you. Birds, the wind, traffic, other people. Be in the moment. Don’t think about the 400 other things you have to do that day. Stop, breathe, focus on what is happening RIGHT NOW. This is hard for me because I find it difficult to turn off my brain but I tried and I did the exercises and I found it informative and calming.

                The book I’m currently reading is called, “You Are A Badass Every Day” by Jen Sincero. I’m only on page 50 but I’m loving it.

                Here’s the thing, this year has been a lot for me. I bought a house which was a HUGE decision. It’s a decision I was ready and prepared and wanted to make but still, parting with a large sum of money you’ve spent YEARS cultivating is enough to send anyone into a panic attack. And it did, multiple times. I love my house though. I love and am proud that I was able to purchase a house on my own.

                Right after, and I mean literally a few weeks after I bought my house, I turned thirty. I did NOT handle thirty well at all. I’m still not handling it very well. Because although I did this awesome thing by purchasing a house, I’m still thirty and alone.

                In other words, my anxiety levels have never been higher than this past summer. Not to mention, I’ve put on ten pounds since May and I am FURIOUS about it. I worked my ass off to be down into the low 170s and now I’m back in the 180s and I could literally scream every single morning I step on the scale. One big way to stop that would be to NOT step on the scale every single morning but that’s impossible for me. I’m well aware I did this to myself. I eat my feelings and I know it.

                The weight gain and the anxiety have been unbearable lately. Thus, the self-help books. I need help. I hate saying it, I hate admitting it, I hate NEEDING it. I’m an independent person, I don’t like to ask for help because I feel as if I should be able to handle, deal, and fix my problems by myself. That’s not reality though. Everyone needs help, everyone needs to feel heard, everyone needs to realize you can’t do everything by yourself all the time.

                One of my biggest issues is my brain overthinking. I tend to think out every possible scenario of a situation, so I’m prepared for any outcome. I know this is a problem and I actively fight against it. In Jen Sincero’s book, she writes, “Clinging to fear, doubt, and worry doesn’t protect you from things you’re fearing, doubting, and worrying about anyway-- but it does make you experience your worst-case scenario before it happens, if it even happens at all. It’s like hitting yourself in the head with a rock all day so you can be prepared in case something falls out of the sky and hits you in the head…All worrying will do is make you live through misery twice.”.

                Now, obviously not worrying about something is easier said than done but having that association of hitting yourself in the head with a rock is helpful for me. If I start to spiral, I can think of that and how silly it is and how I’m hurting myself by worrying constantly.

                I also have these horrible thoughts sometimes about death. It’s been happening more frequently. I’ll be sitting at work or at home doing something and BOOM, I’ll have a thought of, “Jesus, I could die today and I will have done nothing with my life”. Or BOOM “I could die today and that’s it. I’m done. I’m gone. I will never walk, talk, laugh, or see my family ever again. I’ll vaporize and be nothing but a memory.” DO YOU SEE WHY I NEED HELP!? I probably also need faith in some kind of afterlife but that’s a different topic for a different day.

                Anyway, Jen Sincero writes, “…remember that you can move this thought out as quickly as you allowed it in”. What? That’s a possibility? Because when I have thoughts like this, I dwell on them for HOURS until they torture me. The thought of being able to stop, breathe, find something else to focus on honestly never occurred to me. Also, my two biggest problems, the overthinking and the awful thoughts, feed off one another. I have one bad thought, I’m going to overthink it to death.

                The idea of being able to stop the thoughts and move onto something else, something that brings me joy, is new to me and you can be damn sure I’m going to try it every chance I get.

                I let things overpower me: thoughts, people, the world. I let them in and then I let them take control of my mind. Being told I can move them out as quickly as I let them in is a huge deal.

                Now, what can we learn from all of this? As much as my Irish and Italian heritage is telling me to bury all the bad things deep, deep, deep down until I die, I can’t. It will eat me alive if I do. It’s okay to read self-help books. If you buy the ones with exercises, they’re enjoyable and give you more of an eye-opening experience when you see what you’re thinking and feeling written out right in front of you. Obviously, you have to find the right one for you because certain things don’t work for everyone so try a few out and see what you can get from them.

                I’m not saying these things are a magic cure all. As with everything in life, it only works if you put the work into it. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to not be okay all the time. Working on bettering yourself is not something to ashamed of; people work on their bodies to look better, you need to work on your mind to feel better.

                The self-help section is not a self-hell section. Self-hell is where I currently live and I’m consistently working on my way out.

Seasonal Depression in Spring/Summer

                The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, the days are longer, and I couldn’t be more miserable if I tried. Clearly, I’m not a doctor and I dislike doing research which means everything you’re about to read is from my personal experience and shouldn’t be taken as gospel on any subject.

                For those of you who are asking yourselves, “How can you possibly be depressed in such beautiful weather?” Be patient, I’m about to tell you. Yes, the weather is beautiful TO YOU. To me? Beautiful weather is gloomy skies, a chill in the air, and the threat of precipitation in any form. Unfortunately, for the next four months I must deal with ungodly high temperatures, sunburn, and sweating my ass off. Not my idea of a good time.

                There’s more to it than the general annoyances we all endure in the Spring and Summer. As I said, the days are longer and I don’t handle this well. To me, longer days means more time alone in my apartment. More alone time is NOT what I need right now. I’ve been taking naps almost every single day when I come home from work. I feel exhausted for no reason and taking naps makes the day go faster so I can go back to bed. I measure time by how much longer until I can crawl into my bed. Three more hours, two more hours, FINALLY!

                Depression runs deep on both sides of my family. However, I’m 50% Italian and 50% Irish so no one talks about anything. I’m the chatterbox in my family, the one who refuses to keep their mouth shut, the one who says what everyone else is too afraid to say. I have to talk about this because if I don’t then it only becomes worse and I sink deeper.

                Let me explain how I feel in the Spring/Summer. For one thing, I have a very difficult time sleeping at night. If I’m even the least bit hot I wake up and can’t fall back to sleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night and the birds are already chirping, I can’t get back to sleep unless I put ear plugs in and even then, it’s iffy. My apartment has central air but it doesn’t circulate well (especially in 90 degree weather) and I spent most of last summer sleeping on the floor of my living room. Not fun.

                Then there’s the whole clothing aspect of the warmer months. If you know me at all, you know I struggle with my weight and have for much of my life. Now it’s shorts, tank tops, and bathing suit weather. I would rather burrow into a hoodie, jeans, and under six blankets than wear those things. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made unbelievable progress over the past two-three years and I don’t just mean on the scale. Yes, I’ve lost almost 40lbs. But I’ve also reached a place where I can look in a mirror and not immediately cringe or cry because even though I’m still big, I’m happier and that’s more important than the number on the scale.

                Honestly, I am doing much better, but I hit my biggest setbacks in the Spring and Summer. I’ve gained some weight back and it’s completely derailed me. It’s not a lot of weight but that never seems to matter, does it? All we see is a bigger number and it sets us off. Hell, I even managed to keep my weight steady during the holidays but as soon as Spring hits, it’s up again.

                Sometimes I genuinely sabotage myself. When I see a higher number, my first thoughts are, “Oh fuck it then, I’m going to eat whatever I want. Screw this. It’s not worth it. It’s never going to be worth it. You’re always going to be fat, come to terms with it and do whatever you want.” Logically, I’m aware this is a TERRIBLE overreaction but it’s the easy reaction. Giving up is so easy and it feels SO good. For about a week before the self-loathing kicks in again. I’ve tried incredibly hard over the years to turn those thoughts around and not let myself ruin everything I’ve done. It’s tough to be kind to ourselves.

                Obviously, with all these thoughts running through my head the last thing I want to do is put on a pair of shorts or sit by the pool. There are very few people in my life (mostly my best friends) who have seen me in shorts, even fewer people have seen me in sleeveless shirts. Sleeveless shirts…I mean WHY?! Why is this a thing? I HATE them. Well, that’s not true, I hate my arms. I hate my arms more than any other part of my body and I’d be perfectly content to never let another human being see them. It’s bad enough I have to see them.

                Are you starting to get it? Are you starting to understand why someone with these types of thoughts wouldn’t exactly thrive in the warmer weather?

                You might be saying to yourself, “Shouldn’t this warmer weather motivate you to work harder to achieve the results you desire?” Here’s my answer: NOPE. In fact, I have the exact opposite reaction. I want to hide. I want to hide away until the leaves start to fall. You know why? Because every time I try to set a goal for myself like “Oh I want to lose five pounds before July”, if that doesn’t happen, the disappoint sets me back MONTHS and then I’m miserable again.

                I’m already hard on myself. I beat myself up harder than anyone else. For instance, my Dad took a picture of me when I wasn’t paying attention and I was making a funny face in it. He sent me the picture, with absolutely no harm intended in any way, and I started crying. Because I had no neck, I had 18 chins and that’s ALL I could see. I told him, “Oh my god, delete that immediately and never show it to me again. That’s disgusting.” I called a picture of my own face “disgusting” and I meant it. Can you imagine what runs through my mind when I see a picture of myself in shorts and a sleeveless top?

                I wish I had solutions for any of this. I wish the first thoughts in my head weren’t always negative. I wish I didn’t care what other people think. I wish I thought better of myself. Don’t we all wish to think better of ourselves?

                These upcoming months are my worst. These are the months where every insecurity I have is amplified to the highest degree. I still have good days. I have days where I laugh and smile and have a great time.

                The reason I wrote this is because I want people to be mindful that not everyone loves Spring and Summer. Not everyone wants to sit on a beach all day. Not everyone wants to dress weather appropriate. Try to keep that in mind before you say something like, “Oh my god, aren’t you dying in those jeans?” Yeah, I am sweating in them but they’re also the only reason I’m standing outside right now and not lying in bed so give me a break.

                It’s rough for me right now. It’s rough for a lot of people.

                Be kind to yourselves and I promise I’ll try to do the same.

2015- A Year in Review

Yes, there's a gif of Tom Hardy saying Happy New Year. The internet is great.

            2015 was a roller coaster of emotions for me. Let’s break it down into categories: family, friends, myself, and writing.

Family:

            My family is large on my mother’s side. I’ve watched my Mom lose a lot of family members but this year was an especially difficult one. My mom lost her cousin, Mary Catherine but Mary wasn’t JUST my mom’s cousin. She was my mom’s best friend and second sister. I’m in awe of my mother the majority of the time. I went with her to the hospital to see Mary several times, I watched this woman who I’ve known my entire life, deteriorate in front of me. The last time I watched something like this I was 13 going on 14 and it was my Grandpop. I hope I don’t have to see it again for a very long time. Mom stayed strong, as she always does. If I have one ounce of her strength, I’ll be eternally grateful.

            My padre gave me a great gift this year. He paid the adoption fee for my kitten, River, after I found out I had to shell out $600 for a security deposit to my apartment complex just to have her. I’m so appreciative for what he did because coming home to River every day is the highlight of my life.

            My big brother. Four and a half years apart and it shows most of the time. I don’t think he really knows how much I admire his life. Although, we don’t’ talk often, I know he’s always there if I need him and vice versa. He proved that this year when I called him out of the blue, hysterically crying and begging him to promise me something. He did promise me. He’s a great big brother.

Friends:

            Oh my friends. They’re the best. I always loved the saying “friends are the family you create for yourself” or however it goes. My friends are all super different from one another but equally odd and I think that’s why we fit together. One of my best friends moved home this year and we’re all so happy to have him back in Philly. My friends have spent a lot of time trying to figure their lives out and I think they all made significant progress this year. While none of us are completely put together (far from it), and we’re not all on the same path or going the same speed, we’re all heading in the right direction.

Myself:

            Hmmm, what to say here…well 2015, I can’t say I’m sorry to see you go. I dealt with death this year which always hits me hard. I think about death more than I think the average person does. I think about it at the most random times and for long periods of time. I try to move past it with humor and sarcasm and I do a pretty good job most of the time.

            Love life. Oh my love life, or lack thereof. Actually that’s not true. I fell in and out of love this year. Slowly, quietly and without anyone really knowing. ß My favorite way of doing anything and everything.

            I moved into my new apartment this year which I love. I bought my very first set of living room furniture and I’m slowly getting rid of all my hand-me-downs. Next, I’ll be purchasing my own kitchen set then possibly a new bedroom set until my entire apartment finally feels like me.

           My River came into my life. When I adopted River, so many people said to me, “I didn’t know you were a cat person” but it wasn’t about being a cat or dog or bird or turtle person. It was about a feeling I had when River was placed into my arms. I wanted her to stay there forever. It’s been two months (tomorrow) of living with her and I love her more and more every day.

            I lost almost 20 pounds this year and gained severe happiness. Partly because of the weight loss and partly because I’m becoming older and more comfortable in my life as a whole. I’m okay with the fact that when I talk about Doctor Who most people don’t care or understand. I’m okay with the fact that I’m never going to be super thin; my body just isn’t built for it. I’m okay with the fact that I’m always going to hate my arms. I’m still going to work on losing weight because it makes me happy to see a smaller number on the scale but I’m not going to let myself become obsessed with it or consumed by it. I’m going to enjoy my life while slowly (and it is a slow process) trying to regain control of my body.

            Being in an embarrassing situation is one of my least favorite aspects of life. I try to avoid being embarrassed at all costs. Even in school, I wouldn’t answer a question unless I was 100% sure of the answer because I didn’t want to be wrong and look stupid. To this day, I avoid guessing at anything because I don’t want to be wrong then be ridiculed. Whether people ridicule me or not, I always feel like they are (whole other issue). In 2015, I was embarrassed a LOT. Sometimes I couldn’t take it. Sometimes I tried to laugh it off and calm down the redness I knew was covering my already rosy cheeks. I tried really hard to not let the embarrassing situations ruin my night. In 2016, I’ll try a little harder.

            My writing. I made major progress this year with my writing. This website is one huge step forward. I don’t update it as much as I should which I’ll try to do more of in the future. I sent my writing to two of my previous teachers who are published authors (Eric Smith and Liz Moore- check out their books). They both gave me helpful and positive feedback on my work which is greatly appreciated and made me keep going instead of losing all hope in this difficult part of my life. I’m only making one new year’s resolution this year. Just one. Any others I think of will just be things to keep in mind as I go through the year.

            This year, my new year’s resolution is to finish a piece of writing. I tend to start things, get halfway through or more than halfway through then I get distracted or I have another idea and I start on something else. I’m the worst with finishing something I write. However, I’m always better when I have a deadline. 2016 is my deadline to finish something I’ve been working on sporadically for a while now.

            All in all, 2015 wasn’t half bad. I’m happy with who and where I am in my life. Here’s to 2016 being even more exciting and productive J

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

Love,

Veronica