I haven’t written in a while. At least not on this site. I write in my journals a couple times a week, but usually only if something of note happens. I don’t know why I go through writing spurts. I used to think if my life was going well then I wouldn’t write for a while because I wanted to live in the moment. Then as I grew up, it was more the opposite. When my life felt like it was going off the rails, I wouldn’t write about it because I was too busy trying to fix it.
How much time do we spend trying to fix our lives? Maybe not even fix them, but change them. New jobs, new homes, new men/women, new friends, new everything. I’ll be twenty-seven this year and most of my friends are in a transitional phase. It’s interesting to observe, to be a part of their lives during this time. Some are changing jobs, some are getting married, some are having babies, some are buying houses etc.
I have a question. Why do the decisions of other people make us question our own lives? Is that a good or a bad thing? When you see countless people on your Facebook timeline posting engagement pictures, wedding pictures, new born pictures, it can have a weird effect on your thinking. You might start questioning your own life. Should I be doing those things? Am I falling behind in life because I’m not walking down an aisle or having children? I’ve had these same thoughts off and on over the years.
I’ve always known who I am. I may have struggled through my teen years to come to terms with who I am but I’ve always known. I’m sarcastic and I watch too much TV and too many movies and I could talk about them for hours. I finish 400-paged books in a day, sometimes reading two a day. I’m bigger and my looks are a little plain but when I put on my big goofy smile, it forces one from other people and I love that. I write fanfiction for TV shows and movies when I think they’re missing something. I’m ridiculous and dip in and out of other accents or dialects because I think it’s funny. I’m overly emotional, overly empathetic, and I fall in love too easily without really knowing the meaning of the word. I’m quick to anger when I feel myself or others are being attacked. I over think, over analyze, and yes, I’m judgmental sometimes. I don’t want to have children and marriage is a huge commitment to another person that I’m not sure I ever want to take part in. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling this way.
I’ve known all this for years and years and years. But our personalities blend and change with the people we’re in contact with for long periods of time. If you watch closely, if you pay attention, you can see the same mannerisms in all your friends. Therefore, it’s only natural for you to question your life when you see the people closest to you changing their own. When I see my friends becoming engaged and married and having kids, I have to step back, I have to take a minute and remember that’s not what I want. That’s not necessarily going to make me happy in the end. That’s their happily ever after- not mine.
It’s easy to become caught up in the lives of others. It’s easy to lose sight of yourself and what you want. It’s easy to fall victim to the “shoulds”. I’m twenty-six years old. I should be in a long term relationship. I should be getting engaged. I should be getting married. I should be thinking about having my first child. I should be buying a house. I should have my career by now. I should be okay.
It took a little while for me to figure out it’s completely and totally normal to not be okay. It’s okay to not be in a long term relationship. It’s okay to not want to get married and have children. It’s okay to not have your whole life figured out by your mid-twenties. For Christ sake, it’s our MID-TWENTIES. It’s practically a prerequisite to be fucked up about everything. And no one has the right to make anyone else feel bad about their life choices.
You want to get married and have kids? Or get married and not have kids? Good for you!
You want to travel the world and never settle down? Go for it!
You want to be a stay at home mom? Congrats! Because that’s the toughest job in the world.
You want to have kids and still keep your career? God bless ya! That sounds really friggin hard too and I know I couldn’t do it.
You want to play music every weekend because it helps you escape from your mundane weekday job? I’ll come to your gigs and cheer for you!
You want to be single the rest of your life? Do it! Live your life the way you want!
Whatever you want to do with your life, try to keep it clear in your head. Try not to let the decisions of other people influence what you know in your heart you want for yourself. Don’t compare your life to other people. I know it’s hard, it’s really hard.
You are not less of a person because you want different things.
Sometimes we forget who we are and what we want but we can always find our way back.