It’s a bad thoughts day. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? One of those days when all you can think about is every negative aspect of your life. One thing triggers another and so on and so forth. I’ve been suppressing the bad thoughts for a couple months now, too much going on to stop and think, assess, and move on.
This morning all the thoughts came flooding through. It was as if a dam broke in my brain and I couldn’t build the wall up fast enough to keep them back. Life has been a lot to deal with lately.
My Grandmom passed away in the beginning of September. I didn’t think it was appropriate to write about it before because of the heartbreak my parents and my brother are feeling. Whereas I was completely numb to the entire thing. She and I didn’t have anything resembling a close relationship. Our relationship was filled with snide remarks and general disdain. I used to be bitter about it but I’ve spent the past year doing everything I could for her. It wasn’t for her though, it was for my Dad and Mom. Trying to make their lives a little easier. It was one of the only times in my life, where I was actually the strong one in the family. I was the one who wasn’t falling apart so I could help get things done.
It was difficult though. Very, very difficult to try and dissect my feelings and figure out why I was okay while everyone else was falling apart. The truth is we all have individual and unique relationships with other people. No one will understand how I felt about my Grandmother and I’ll never know how she felt about me. That’s the way it is. My relationship with my Grandmom was so indescribably different from the one she had with my brother. And that’s okay because he deserves those good memories. It’s better this way.
This past week, my Mom had a bit of a health scare. She’s fine but every time something like this happens, my mind throws itself forward and all I can see is future hospital visits, doctor’s appointments, and overwhelming sadness. My over active imagination was fun as a child but I have to admit, it’s a bit of a curse as an adult. I can picture such horrible things so clearly in my mind and it causes me to breakdown. Images and flashes of things that haven’t happened but could one day, completely rip my heart to shreds and cause such a morose feeling.
Like I said, one thing triggers another and so on. Today, I woke up and realized I haven’t written anything of substance in months, maybe even a year. Then I thought to myself, “Maybe I should just accept the fact that I’m never going to be an author.” Instantly, I felt tears welling up even thinking about it because it would be like giving up on the one thing I’ve always wanted in life.
It would be giving up on my dream.
Giving up on my talent.
I made myself write this today. I didn’t want to, I really didn’t because writing it would mean dealing with it. The longer we shove down our feelings, our sadness, our doubt, the deeper it digs into us. It digs until you’re in this enormous hole swallowed up by the negativity. I’ve been in that kind of hole off and on over the years and it’s hell trying to dig myself out. This time, I tried to get a jump on it before it could take me.
Painful is one way to describe how my life has been lately. It’s painful to watch someone die regardless of how you feel towards them. It’s painful to see your Mom suffering and know you can’t do anything to stop it. It’s painful to think your dreams are slipping away from you with each passing day.
The pain will eventually fade. It always does. I deal with each death differently and there’s nothing wrong with that. My Mom is my best friend and I’ll always do everything in my power to help her. I’ll always come back to writing because it’s my only outlet besides cursing like a sailor.
Will I ever be an author? I don’t know. The thought of not becoming one devastates me so I think I have to keep trying. Keep writing. Keep submitting to literary magazines. Keep pushing myself even when every fiber of my being is telling me to give up.
We always worry about disappointing our parents. Honestly, I don’t think I could disappoint mine. They’ve always been supportive of anything my brother and I have done.
I don’t want to disappoint myself.
That’s the reason I wrote this today…if I hadn’t, I would have let myself down. I would have let the bad thoughts win. Today, I win. By writing, by pulling thoughts from my mind and putting them down and letting other people read and identify with them…