Letter to end of 2016 Veronica

Veronica,

You are to read this at the end of 2016. Here are the things I hope for you in the year 2016:

1. Your bangs grow out. People seem to love them and compliment them but jesus they're a pain in the ass to straighten every morning. Remember for any upcoming hair decisions: YOUR HAIR IS CURLY! Short bangs + curly hair= straightening every day! That's annoying.

2. You enjoy your time being a bridesmaid for Julia. Key word: ENJOY. Yes, being in a wedding costs a lot of money. Yes, you'll have to wear a dress (but the dress is actually awesome). Yes, you'll have to walk down an aisle with people looking at you (ugh, already have anxiety). But you have to enjoy it because this is her only wedding (fingers crossed). This is a girl you've known since you were a child. This is your friend so enjoy it because it only happens once (again, fingers crossed).

3. Learn to take a compliment. On New Year's Eve, several people complimented you. And do you know how you responded? Do you remember? You said, "Okay, everybody stop looking at Veronica now." Why? You love the way you look right now! You're so proud of it! So just smile and say, "Thank you, I really appreciate it". Then move on. But take it, appreciate it- don't deny it, don't deflect it. Soak it in. 

4. Keep working out. Everyone who says, "Isn't it wonderful? Don't you feel great?" Um, yeah, when I look in the mirror in smaller shirts and jeans, yes, it feels great. But the actual working out part? No, that is not wonderful, it does not feel great. Working out sucks and I hate every single second of it. But I do it because I have to, it's just a part of life now, no matter how much I despise it. So keep going, keep working until you feel completely comfortable. Wait, let me emphasis that, until YOU feel completely comfortable. Not what a BMI scale tells you, not what other people tell you, not what your friends weigh. When YOU feel happy, when you're comfortable, when you're at your best then we'll work on maintaining. One step at a time. This is the best we've done in years. On that note....

5. If you gain the weight back, do NOT beat yourself up about it. It happens, you know that better than anyone. You're allowed to have a set back, it's okay. Just wake up the next day and try to do better, that's all any of us can do.

6. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Get it, yet? Remember, why you are the way you are, it's because of your writing. Remember how much you love writing. Whether it's on your blog, or one of these letters, or your journal, or your fanfiction (oh yeah, I just admitted to the world, we still write fanfiction). Remember, writing keeps you sane. It's your safe haven. It's your first love. Treat it kindly and generously. You'll succeed.

7. Be kinder to yourself. We always think we're being attacked. Sometimes we are but a lot of the time, it's in our head. We're always on the defense. We're always ready to be hurt and upset. Probably because "hurt and upset" was our default setting for so many years. You know you're loved. You know it. Try to keep it in mind. We're awesome, accept it and screw anyone who tries to tell you different.

8. Don't put so much pressure on finding love. You're allowed to want a boyfriend and a relationship, that's natural. Most people want companionship and we're not immune to it. Try not to force it. But don't settle either. You're independent, successful, funny (in a way), a huge nerd, and you have an unbelievable heart. Someone will see it eventually but it'll never be on our time table. That's okay.

9. I hope you saw a butt ton of movies in 2016 because...well because the theater is our church and we should worship regularly.

10. Last but not least because this list is in absolutely no order: I hope everyone in the family stayed healthy this year. I hope there were no funerals and if there were, I'm sorry and I hope 2017 is better.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, END OF 2016 VERONICA!

Love,

January 2016 Veronica

Letter to 35 year old Veronica

Dear Veronica,           

First of all, let me congratulate you on paying off your school loans!!! WOOOOO! And if they’re not paid off by 35, I want you to do me a favor and punch yourself in the arm. Great, thanks. Now I’m going to tell you all the things I hope we’ve accomplished by 35.

1.      School loans GONE.

2.      Traveled to England, Ireland (again), Australia, and Scotland.

3.      Swam with dolphins.

4.      Saw a Broadway show in New York.

5.      Been to Disney World and Universal.

What was the other thing….hmm….what was it again? Oh yeah, I remember now. BE A PUBLISHED AUTHOR. Please, please, please be a published author. If you’re not, you need to reevaluate everything you’ve been doing the past nine years. Unless something terrible happened and it set you off the course of being a writer. I understand it’s exhausting and scary and nerve wracking to constantly put your work out there and be rejected. But you have to remember how much you love it. How much you love writing and how your brain actually hurts if you don’t write for a long time. Writing is your therapy, it saves your sanity and you need it. So if for some reason, you strayed from it, go to Target (Target better still be around), go to the journal and stationary section, and pick out a new one. Take it home, sit at your desk and write. Write about why you stopped. Write about what you ate that day. I don’t care what you write about just do it. Enjoy the pen being in your hand again and learn to love it again. Do it for 13 year old Veronica and 25 year old Veronica. We all appreciate it….I’m starting to sound a little like Sybil.

If you’re married, I mean…cool? It’s not something I ever really sought after or saw in my ten year plan but if you found someone willing to tolerate your constant chatter and watching movies from the 80s then awesome. Hope you didn’t spend a fortune on the wedding and instead put it towards a destination honeymoon.

If you have children…I don’t even know what to say about it. Children are an aspect of life I never saw myself taking part in. I can’t imagine why or how my opinions on this would change in ten years because I’ve known for the past ten they are not what I want. I’m not trying to upset you or guilt you if you did end up having kids. I just want there to be a really great reason for it. And if you did have kids, well they better be boys or tomboys and they better love old school Disney movies.

There are other things I wish for us. I hope Mom, Dad, and Dave are all okay and doing well. I hope you’re still friends with the people I’m friends with now because I can’t imagine a life without them. Even if you don’t see them all the time, do us a favor? Give them a call and go hang out. Probably at Bill and Chrissy’s house, like always.

Being 35 doesn’t scare me. I finally feel (at 25) we’re hitting our stride. You know we never felt our age as a teenager. Always wanting to be older, to get to the better part of life. The part I’m in now is good, really good actually but I hope yours is better. I hope it only ever gets better with age. Growing up doesn’t scare me and I hope it still doesn’t scare me when I’m 35.

Please be happy. We spent a lot of years being unhappy. We spent a lot of years being upset and taking things too seriously and beating ourselves up.

I hope you’re okay.

I hope you’re better.

I hope you are so very happy with your life.

And if you’re not, then change it.

Right now.

-25 year old Veronica

Letter to the Boy I Thought I Loved

Dear Boy,

I thought I was head over heels in love with you. I thought I knew exactly what that meant. I thought if I loved you enough, it would make up for the fact that you didn’t love me at all. 
I used to blame myself for a lot. It’s okay if you don’t treat me all that well, I’m just lucky you even hang out with me. It’s okay for you to hook up with and sleep with my friends, you’ll realize one day you were meant to be with me all along. It’s okay if you don’t let me see my other friends, it just means you want me to spend all time with you. It’s okay if you’re mean to me, I was in the wrong anyway.

You selfish, manipulative jackass. How dare you make me feel like that? How dare you make me feel as if I am nothing without you? 18 years old and my entire self-worth went down the toilet and it wasn’t all that great to begin with, which you knew and used against me. You treated my problems as if they were meaningless. You treated me as if I was expendable and I probably was to you. I watched you go through other female friends as if we were all sitting on shelves waiting for you to pick us. And when you did, we were supposed to act like you bestowed this great kindness for letting us be around you. 

The worst part about you is your god damn charm. You could get women to tell you anything. I told you everything I hated about myself, every insecurity, every reason I thought I was going to be alone forever. Then when I no longer fit your standards, you used everything I ever said against me. I believe the words you used were “fugly”, “horrendous personality”, and “fat”. The best part was how you did it. You wrote all those things on my Myspace. You were ahead of your time with cyber bullying. I watched you do it to other people and then you did it to me. Always braver behind your computer.

I cried and cried until I became furious and finally told you to never contact me again, once and for all. You damaged me for other people. You made me distrustful of most men for a long time. You made me doubt if my best friends even really liked me. I’m not going to lie, it took me years to build myself back up. To make myself better. To feel as if I deserved happiness and love again. But I did it.

It wasn’t like a switch where I just turned off any feelings I had for you. They changed over the years: love to hatred to missing you to hating you and then one day, it happened. I realized I had gone months and months without even thinking about you. Not until someone mentioned your name and it was as if, I realized how free I was of you. You were gone, truly and finally gone. Of course, your words linger on my darkest days but then I remember who you are and how you mean nothing to me anymore. You were just a bad couple of years in a life filled with so many good ones. 

I still haven’t run into you and it’s been seven years. I like to pretend it is Fate’s way of telling me how right I was in my decision to cut you out. And I honestly have no clue how I would react if I saw you. Punching you in the face seemed like a wonderful option for years. But now? I’m stumped as to what I would even say or do. I know what you would do because as much as I hated you, I still knew you better than anyone else. You would act as if we’re still best friends, as if nothing happened between us. I’d rather not pretend.

As much as I hated you, you did me a favor. By leaving your side, I found my way back to my real friends. The people who love me unconditionally have constantly been teaching me to love myself the same way. The way you never could. 

It’s funny when we’re teenagers and we think we know what love is. Maybe some do.

I certainly didn’t.

Goodbye,
Veronica

Letter to 13 Year Old Veronica

Dear Veronica,

I understand how angry you are right now. Grandpop is gone and it's the summer before your first year of high school. Grandpop's death was the first significant one in your life. I'm so sorry, but he won't be the last. However, up until this moment (aged 25) his is still the most difficult. I know you can still smell the hospital. I know you still feel his stubbly cheek from when you kissed it visiting him in the hospital. Those feelings stay. The gut wrenching hurt and hole in your heart stay too. But you know what else stays? Every memory you have him. I promise you, I swear to you, I still remember him taking us to Burger King on half days. The hats in the back of his car, how we always made him put on his seat belt. The chocolate covered donuts he always had for us. The smell of smoke. His smile. I remember all of it. That's because of you, kiddo. You held onto all of those as if they would disappear in a second and I thank you for it. 

I'm not going to lie to you, the next four years are going to be rough. You're going to be hurt a lot but you're also going to find your best friends. The people who will always be there for you when you feel like complete and total crap. And don't worry, we keep Chrissy and Kait. We'll always have Chrissy and Kait.

If you ever feel like you're missing out socially in high school, just remember your best friends go to different schools and you'll see them on the weekends. And honestly, prom is not that big a deal, trust me, you won't mind not going. No matter how many people say, "You'll regret it", well it's been almost ten years and I still couldn't care less. 

Another huge change in your life is going to come in your senior year. You'll know it when it happens. Believe me when I say this, you'll get through it. It will seem like the end of the world, everything does at your age, but it's not. You will grow up and all of this, all the hurt you feel, all of the self-hate you have will slowly taper away. Little by little, chip by chip, you'll find your true friends and you'll realize they love you because you're nerdy and weird and caring and sweet. 

Listen Veronica, you feel very deeply. Things hurt you more than they would the average person. I understand, it still happens to me. Keep waking up, keep getting out of bed and whatever you do, always keep writing.

Peace, Love, and Cinema kiddo,

-25 year old Veronica

My Letters

I have written a lot of letters in my life. Most of them I've never sent. I write letters to my past self, to my future self, to people I've lost over the years. To people I see on a daily basis. To family and friends. Writing these letters is my way of saying everything I feel but can never verbalize.

I'm that person who thinks of something hilariously witty to say six hours after it's appropriate. The letters help organize my thoughts and feelings about people and situations. This section will be devoted entirely to letters.

Enjoy! Or think I'm a weirdo, whichever you prefer.