Let's Try This Again

Trigger Warning: Talk of self-harm and suicide in Paragraph 3 only. Please skip it if you need to.

I haven’t written on here in forever. That doesn’t mean I haven’t written anything, believe me. I still write my fanfiction stories, I write little essays for myself, and I’ve started writing things down for my nephews as well. I also did a 52-week writing course which I absolutely loved. Writing publicly, however, is always more of a risk. It’s a more vulnerable position to be in.

The last thing I wrote on this site was January 4th, 2023, and I said how 2022 was a rough year for me and I was hoping 2023 would be better. Well, a couple of weeks after I wrote that sentence, 2023 decided to kick my entire family right in the teeth. I’ve heavily debated writing about this out of respect to my family. Some of them read this site and I never want to hurt or upset them but I also want to write about it because it’s important. Important to me and important to other people.

January of 2023, my Uncle tried to take his own life. His siblings had to make the impossible decision to take him off life support. My family has experienced a lot of death over the years because my Mom’s side of the family is so large. This death hit the hardest though for a lot of them, if not most of them. I’m not going to spend this whole post talking about it, only the next two paragraphs and they will only talk about his life, not his death. Feel free to skip them if you want.

My Uncle was a great man. He had his demons and vices, as we all do, but he was so much fun and one of the most generous people you’d ever meet in your life. Each of my cousins have their own favorite memories of him and I won’t speak for them. I have my own great memories of him. Canoeing, horseback riding (okay that one sucked, I fell but whatever), paintballing, amusement parks, white water rafting etc. It was always an amazing time when my Uncle came to visit and I’ll never forget those adventures with him.

He always told me about ziplining in Costa Rica. Last year, September 2023, I went ziplining in the Poconos for my birthday and in memory of him. It was a blast and I hope to do it again and again over the years when I travel to different places. It’s in those moments, the moments when I’m terrified before I’m about to do something new, that I’ll remember him the most and push myself to do those new things.

Honestly, I didn’t have much of a plan when I decided to sit down and write today. Not sure if there was a purpose or a point to it, other than wanting to write something. Here’s what I know. I know 2023 took a lot from my Mom and her family. I know that as someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, it is immensely important to check in on your people. Especially, the people who seem as if they’re doing great. Ask anyway, check in anyway, meet up with them anyway.

I had a sickening realization recently: I’ll probably never go another year of my life without going to a funeral. I hate that. It seems ridiculous and unbelievable but inevitable. If that’s true, for myself, for you, for anyone reading this, do whatever you can to enjoy the people in your life now. Text, call, send a card, go see them, set up a dinner, go to lunch, do something.

They’re important. You’re important.

They matter. You matter. I matter.

They deserve to be here. You deserve to be here. We ALL deserve to be here.

Try to remember that on your darkest days.

I’m here. I’m still going. It’s 2024. Let’s try this again. This year, I’m putting it out into the universe, this year will be different. This year will be better. This year will be happier. Maybe not every moment. Not every day. Hell, maybe not even every week. But this year, as a whole, will be better because I’m choosing to make it so.

I hope you all do the same.

Writing Prompt #1- What would you like to put in storage?

Hello there.

It’s been a while since we last spoke. My fault, of course, for my lack of commitment and the general insanity and unpredictability of life.

Anyway, we’re going to try something different this year. A while ago (June 24th, 2016 to be precise), I bought a book called 300 Writing Prompts (published by Piccadilly). I’ve barely made a dent in those 300 and I thought now might be the perfect time to start. However, instead of only writing them in the book, I’ve decided to also write them here.

Starting with today. New year…well, new year, same me but we’re going to give this a try and hope for the best. Here goes nothing:

Writing Prompt #1: What would you like to put in storage?

All of my old childhood toys. My Grandmom would buy me a new collectible Barbie doll every year either for my birthday or for Christmas. I still have all of them, some in worse condition than others. I didn’t understand the whole concept of “collectible” as a child and I would try to pry quite a few of them out of the box. This is something that’s carried into my adulthood as well since those Pop Vinyl things are also collectibles and yet the entire Breakfast Club cast is out of the box and gathered on my cubicle at work.

I have other favorite toys. My stuffed Winnie the Pooh. The very first teddy bear someone ever bought me when I was born. A stuffed Pluto my brother brought me back from his first trip to Disney. My stuffed hush puppy who I dragged around with me everywhere. I loved all of these and I hate how they’re piled on top of each other in a storage container right now. It makes me think of Toy Story and they’re all waiting for me or someone new to come and free them.

I don’t plan on ever having children. *insert gasp of most women my age here* But that’s something I’m 99% sure of in my life. Even so, I don’t want to throw any of these away. The real hope is my brother and sister-in-law will have children. Then slowly, over the years, I’ll introduce those children to my first and oldest best friends and hope they find as much joy in them as I always did.

Until then, occasionally I’ll open the storage container and hug my old friends. Let them know I’m never too far away from them or my childhood self.

2015- A Year in Review

Yes, there's a gif of Tom Hardy saying Happy New Year. The internet is great.

            2015 was a roller coaster of emotions for me. Let’s break it down into categories: family, friends, myself, and writing.

Family:

            My family is large on my mother’s side. I’ve watched my Mom lose a lot of family members but this year was an especially difficult one. My mom lost her cousin, Mary Catherine but Mary wasn’t JUST my mom’s cousin. She was my mom’s best friend and second sister. I’m in awe of my mother the majority of the time. I went with her to the hospital to see Mary several times, I watched this woman who I’ve known my entire life, deteriorate in front of me. The last time I watched something like this I was 13 going on 14 and it was my Grandpop. I hope I don’t have to see it again for a very long time. Mom stayed strong, as she always does. If I have one ounce of her strength, I’ll be eternally grateful.

            My padre gave me a great gift this year. He paid the adoption fee for my kitten, River, after I found out I had to shell out $600 for a security deposit to my apartment complex just to have her. I’m so appreciative for what he did because coming home to River every day is the highlight of my life.

            My big brother. Four and a half years apart and it shows most of the time. I don’t think he really knows how much I admire his life. Although, we don’t’ talk often, I know he’s always there if I need him and vice versa. He proved that this year when I called him out of the blue, hysterically crying and begging him to promise me something. He did promise me. He’s a great big brother.

Friends:

            Oh my friends. They’re the best. I always loved the saying “friends are the family you create for yourself” or however it goes. My friends are all super different from one another but equally odd and I think that’s why we fit together. One of my best friends moved home this year and we’re all so happy to have him back in Philly. My friends have spent a lot of time trying to figure their lives out and I think they all made significant progress this year. While none of us are completely put together (far from it), and we’re not all on the same path or going the same speed, we’re all heading in the right direction.

Myself:

            Hmmm, what to say here…well 2015, I can’t say I’m sorry to see you go. I dealt with death this year which always hits me hard. I think about death more than I think the average person does. I think about it at the most random times and for long periods of time. I try to move past it with humor and sarcasm and I do a pretty good job most of the time.

            Love life. Oh my love life, or lack thereof. Actually that’s not true. I fell in and out of love this year. Slowly, quietly and without anyone really knowing. ß My favorite way of doing anything and everything.

            I moved into my new apartment this year which I love. I bought my very first set of living room furniture and I’m slowly getting rid of all my hand-me-downs. Next, I’ll be purchasing my own kitchen set then possibly a new bedroom set until my entire apartment finally feels like me.

           My River came into my life. When I adopted River, so many people said to me, “I didn’t know you were a cat person” but it wasn’t about being a cat or dog or bird or turtle person. It was about a feeling I had when River was placed into my arms. I wanted her to stay there forever. It’s been two months (tomorrow) of living with her and I love her more and more every day.

            I lost almost 20 pounds this year and gained severe happiness. Partly because of the weight loss and partly because I’m becoming older and more comfortable in my life as a whole. I’m okay with the fact that when I talk about Doctor Who most people don’t care or understand. I’m okay with the fact that I’m never going to be super thin; my body just isn’t built for it. I’m okay with the fact that I’m always going to hate my arms. I’m still going to work on losing weight because it makes me happy to see a smaller number on the scale but I’m not going to let myself become obsessed with it or consumed by it. I’m going to enjoy my life while slowly (and it is a slow process) trying to regain control of my body.

            Being in an embarrassing situation is one of my least favorite aspects of life. I try to avoid being embarrassed at all costs. Even in school, I wouldn’t answer a question unless I was 100% sure of the answer because I didn’t want to be wrong and look stupid. To this day, I avoid guessing at anything because I don’t want to be wrong then be ridiculed. Whether people ridicule me or not, I always feel like they are (whole other issue). In 2015, I was embarrassed a LOT. Sometimes I couldn’t take it. Sometimes I tried to laugh it off and calm down the redness I knew was covering my already rosy cheeks. I tried really hard to not let the embarrassing situations ruin my night. In 2016, I’ll try a little harder.

            My writing. I made major progress this year with my writing. This website is one huge step forward. I don’t update it as much as I should which I’ll try to do more of in the future. I sent my writing to two of my previous teachers who are published authors (Eric Smith and Liz Moore- check out their books). They both gave me helpful and positive feedback on my work which is greatly appreciated and made me keep going instead of losing all hope in this difficult part of my life. I’m only making one new year’s resolution this year. Just one. Any others I think of will just be things to keep in mind as I go through the year.

            This year, my new year’s resolution is to finish a piece of writing. I tend to start things, get halfway through or more than halfway through then I get distracted or I have another idea and I start on something else. I’m the worst with finishing something I write. However, I’m always better when I have a deadline. 2016 is my deadline to finish something I’ve been working on sporadically for a while now.

            All in all, 2015 wasn’t half bad. I’m happy with who and where I am in my life. Here’s to 2016 being even more exciting and productive J

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE!

Love,

Veronica