Self-Help/Self-Hell
/I read self-help books. There’s an interesting stigma around these types of books. I remember one instance in Pop Culture so clearly. In Sex and the City, after Charlotte’s divorce, they’re all in Barnes and Noble and Charlotte is looking for a book called “Starting Over Yet Again”. As she walks towards the self-help section, Carrie’s voice narrates: “The Self-Hell Aisle”. Charlotte was ashamed of wanting/needing to read this book, so she bolted from the aisle and ordered it online instead. Later, she threw the book out the window. When I was twenty something, this was hilarious. Now, at thirty, this is a gross overreaction.
Let’s face it, as a species, we do not like to ask for help. We don’t like to admit we’re wrong. We don’t like to admit we’re failing. We don’t like to admit WE might be the problem. All these things fly directly in the face of what self-help books try to teach you. I think that’s a common misconception about these books though. They’re not there to tell you everything you’ve been doing incorrectly in your life. They’re there to point out how you can do what you’re already doing in a better and healthier way. They also help curve your negative habits and give you ways to cope.
My self-help book interest came when a friend of mine bought me the book “Zen as F*ck: A Journal for Practicing the Mindful Art of Not Giving a Sh*t” by Monica Sweeney. Oh man, I love this book. Mostly because I give a shit about EVERYTHING and I’ve spent most of my life trying to calm down and not care. One of the reasons I loved this book so much is because it’s a journal and it gives you different exercises to do. For instance, you write down all your worries or all the negative thoughts you have about yourself and then you take your pen and cross out each one of them. It gives you a sense of physically getting rid of those negative thoughts by striking through them.
I enjoy the activities in self-help books. It makes me feel like I’m learning and doing something to help myself, which is the whole point.
The next book I bought was: “I Am Here Now: A Creative Mindfulness Guide and Journal” by The Mindfulness Project. This one I found very interesting. I’m not a person who notices a lot of things around them like nature. I notice people, I enjoy observing people and their behavior and I’m also very wrapped up in my own thoughts, so I don’t notice other things. This book is all about calming your mind and focusing on something you’ve been taking for granted. For instance, if you go for a walk, don’t take your headphones. Instead, listen to the sounds around you. Birds, the wind, traffic, other people. Be in the moment. Don’t think about the 400 other things you have to do that day. Stop, breathe, focus on what is happening RIGHT NOW. This is hard for me because I find it difficult to turn off my brain but I tried and I did the exercises and I found it informative and calming.
The book I’m currently reading is called, “You Are A Badass Every Day” by Jen Sincero. I’m only on page 50 but I’m loving it.
Here’s the thing, this year has been a lot for me. I bought a house which was a HUGE decision. It’s a decision I was ready and prepared and wanted to make but still, parting with a large sum of money you’ve spent YEARS cultivating is enough to send anyone into a panic attack. And it did, multiple times. I love my house though. I love and am proud that I was able to purchase a house on my own.
Right after, and I mean literally a few weeks after I bought my house, I turned thirty. I did NOT handle thirty well at all. I’m still not handling it very well. Because although I did this awesome thing by purchasing a house, I’m still thirty and alone.
In other words, my anxiety levels have never been higher than this past summer. Not to mention, I’ve put on ten pounds since May and I am FURIOUS about it. I worked my ass off to be down into the low 170s and now I’m back in the 180s and I could literally scream every single morning I step on the scale. One big way to stop that would be to NOT step on the scale every single morning but that’s impossible for me. I’m well aware I did this to myself. I eat my feelings and I know it.
The weight gain and the anxiety have been unbearable lately. Thus, the self-help books. I need help. I hate saying it, I hate admitting it, I hate NEEDING it. I’m an independent person, I don’t like to ask for help because I feel as if I should be able to handle, deal, and fix my problems by myself. That’s not reality though. Everyone needs help, everyone needs to feel heard, everyone needs to realize you can’t do everything by yourself all the time.
One of my biggest issues is my brain overthinking. I tend to think out every possible scenario of a situation, so I’m prepared for any outcome. I know this is a problem and I actively fight against it. In Jen Sincero’s book, she writes, “Clinging to fear, doubt, and worry doesn’t protect you from things you’re fearing, doubting, and worrying about anyway-- but it does make you experience your worst-case scenario before it happens, if it even happens at all. It’s like hitting yourself in the head with a rock all day so you can be prepared in case something falls out of the sky and hits you in the head…All worrying will do is make you live through misery twice.”.
Now, obviously not worrying about something is easier said than done but having that association of hitting yourself in the head with a rock is helpful for me. If I start to spiral, I can think of that and how silly it is and how I’m hurting myself by worrying constantly.
I also have these horrible thoughts sometimes about death. It’s been happening more frequently. I’ll be sitting at work or at home doing something and BOOM, I’ll have a thought of, “Jesus, I could die today and I will have done nothing with my life”. Or BOOM “I could die today and that’s it. I’m done. I’m gone. I will never walk, talk, laugh, or see my family ever again. I’ll vaporize and be nothing but a memory.” DO YOU SEE WHY I NEED HELP!? I probably also need faith in some kind of afterlife but that’s a different topic for a different day.
Anyway, Jen Sincero writes, “…remember that you can move this thought out as quickly as you allowed it in”. What? That’s a possibility? Because when I have thoughts like this, I dwell on them for HOURS until they torture me. The thought of being able to stop, breathe, find something else to focus on honestly never occurred to me. Also, my two biggest problems, the overthinking and the awful thoughts, feed off one another. I have one bad thought, I’m going to overthink it to death.
The idea of being able to stop the thoughts and move onto something else, something that brings me joy, is new to me and you can be damn sure I’m going to try it every chance I get.
I let things overpower me: thoughts, people, the world. I let them in and then I let them take control of my mind. Being told I can move them out as quickly as I let them in is a huge deal.
Now, what can we learn from all of this? As much as my Irish and Italian heritage is telling me to bury all the bad things deep, deep, deep down until I die, I can’t. It will eat me alive if I do. It’s okay to read self-help books. If you buy the ones with exercises, they’re enjoyable and give you more of an eye-opening experience when you see what you’re thinking and feeling written out right in front of you. Obviously, you have to find the right one for you because certain things don’t work for everyone so try a few out and see what you can get from them.
I’m not saying these things are a magic cure all. As with everything in life, it only works if you put the work into it. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to not be okay all the time. Working on bettering yourself is not something to ashamed of; people work on their bodies to look better, you need to work on your mind to feel better.
The self-help section is not a self-hell section. Self-hell is where I currently live and I’m consistently working on my way out.