Let's Try This Again

Trigger Warning: Talk of self-harm and suicide in Paragraph 3 only. Please skip it if you need to.

I haven’t written on here in forever. That doesn’t mean I haven’t written anything, believe me. I still write my fanfiction stories, I write little essays for myself, and I’ve started writing things down for my nephews as well. I also did a 52-week writing course which I absolutely loved. Writing publicly, however, is always more of a risk. It’s a more vulnerable position to be in.

The last thing I wrote on this site was January 4th, 2023, and I said how 2022 was a rough year for me and I was hoping 2023 would be better. Well, a couple of weeks after I wrote that sentence, 2023 decided to kick my entire family right in the teeth. I’ve heavily debated writing about this out of respect to my family. Some of them read this site and I never want to hurt or upset them but I also want to write about it because it’s important. Important to me and important to other people.

January of 2023, my Uncle tried to take his own life. His siblings had to make the impossible decision to take him off life support. My family has experienced a lot of death over the years because my Mom’s side of the family is so large. This death hit the hardest though for a lot of them, if not most of them. I’m not going to spend this whole post talking about it, only the next two paragraphs and they will only talk about his life, not his death. Feel free to skip them if you want.

My Uncle was a great man. He had his demons and vices, as we all do, but he was so much fun and one of the most generous people you’d ever meet in your life. Each of my cousins have their own favorite memories of him and I won’t speak for them. I have my own great memories of him. Canoeing, horseback riding (okay that one sucked, I fell but whatever), paintballing, amusement parks, white water rafting etc. It was always an amazing time when my Uncle came to visit and I’ll never forget those adventures with him.

He always told me about ziplining in Costa Rica. Last year, September 2023, I went ziplining in the Poconos for my birthday and in memory of him. It was a blast and I hope to do it again and again over the years when I travel to different places. It’s in those moments, the moments when I’m terrified before I’m about to do something new, that I’ll remember him the most and push myself to do those new things.

Honestly, I didn’t have much of a plan when I decided to sit down and write today. Not sure if there was a purpose or a point to it, other than wanting to write something. Here’s what I know. I know 2023 took a lot from my Mom and her family. I know that as someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, it is immensely important to check in on your people. Especially, the people who seem as if they’re doing great. Ask anyway, check in anyway, meet up with them anyway.

I had a sickening realization recently: I’ll probably never go another year of my life without going to a funeral. I hate that. It seems ridiculous and unbelievable but inevitable. If that’s true, for myself, for you, for anyone reading this, do whatever you can to enjoy the people in your life now. Text, call, send a card, go see them, set up a dinner, go to lunch, do something.

They’re important. You’re important.

They matter. You matter. I matter.

They deserve to be here. You deserve to be here. We ALL deserve to be here.

Try to remember that on your darkest days.

I’m here. I’m still going. It’s 2024. Let’s try this again. This year, I’m putting it out into the universe, this year will be different. This year will be better. This year will be happier. Maybe not every moment. Not every day. Hell, maybe not even every week. But this year, as a whole, will be better because I’m choosing to make it so.

I hope you all do the same.