5 Months. 8 Paragraphs. 13 Bullets.

I’m not sure where I start with this post. The last five months of my life have flickered by like lightening. Sometimes the days feel like they’re barely moving at all but then you start to add things up and it goes from being a heat wave at the end of August to Valentine’s Day in the blink of an eye. I don’t know if there’s a point to this post other than the fact that I need to write it down so I can stop dwelling on all of it.

I don’t talk to people much about my problems., there’s maybe a handful I confide in. I tell my Mom everything. There’s one friend I talk to every day, she gets the brunt of this and I appreciate the hell out of her. Then there’s friends at work who see me when I’m melting down and they can usually pull me out of a funk better than most.

I write it all out. That’s how I cope. It’s how I can step back, look at the issue, and see if I handled it like a normal person or completely overreacted.

Here’s the cliffnotes version of everything that’s happened since August 16th.

• Bought a house (exciting and nerve wracking)

• Turned 30 (horrible, still not coping, and no one seems to really understand)

• My nephew was born (the brightest point in this whole thing)

• Received sexually explicit texts and photos from multiple unknown numbers for three months

• Contracted shingles due to stress a week before Thanksgiving

• One of the windows of my new house was shattered the DAY before Thanksgiving and three days before we held my Mom’s 60th birthday party there

• My brother, sister-in-law, and I threw my Mom her 60th birthday and that was actually a blast and she loved it

• Went to two funerals

• Multiple people in my family were diagnosed with cancer

• My brother, sister-in-law, and I took my nephew and my Mom for their first trip to Hershey Park (cold but so much fun)

• Rang in the new year/decade single and sad like I have for the last ten years

• For an entire week in January my heart would flutter every 15-30 seconds for hours on end probably due to underlying stress and anxiety, but I’ll find out after I see a doctor

• I gained 15lbs over the course of four months (stress eating) and can’t get it off

I mean, come on, that’s seems like overkill. I understand life has peaks and valleys, but this is a bit excessive for a short amount of time. If all of this happened over the course of a year then I’d probably think nothing of it. Most of that took place between mid-October and mid-December!

I know other people have worse problems. I’m not one of those people who joins in weird competitions of complaining to see who has the shittiest luck. No one has good luck, everyone has problems. Big or small, they’re personal, and there’s no need to measure your problems against someone else’s. If it upsets you, then it’s meaningful and it matters.

My nephew was born on the anniversary of my Grandmother’s death. My Grandmother and I didn’t have the best relationship, which is putting it lightly. I like to think she sent my nephew on that particular day as an apology. Like “I know I was awful to you, here’s something wonderful for you to enjoy”. And he is wonderful and perfect and adorable. Through all the chaos of the last five months, seeing him on the weekends makes it tolerable. Watching him grow and change and develop gives me something to look forward to in this insane mayhem of life. Oh, and before you even start, no, he does not in any way make me want to have children. He cried and screamed for a straight half hour the one day and I almost put my head through a wall. I’ll keep renewing my birth control, thanks.

Through all of this, I still enjoyed Christmas. The bright spot of every single year for me. I love it like a little kid does. I have a countdown to it on my phone every year starting on January 1st. Some years it’s harder than others to get into the Christmas spirit but I force myself to do it because it’s worth it. I hope it’ll always be worth it.

In conclusion, if I could get a month where NOTHING HAPPENS, that’d be great. Even if it’s February, the shortest month of the year, I’ll take it.

Self-Help/Self-Hell

                I read self-help books. There’s an interesting stigma around these types of books. I remember one instance in Pop Culture so clearly. In Sex and the City, after Charlotte’s divorce, they’re all in Barnes and Noble and Charlotte is looking for a book called “Starting Over Yet Again”. As she walks towards the self-help section, Carrie’s voice narrates: “The Self-Hell Aisle”. Charlotte was ashamed of wanting/needing to read this book, so she bolted from the aisle and ordered it online instead. Later, she threw the book out the window. When I was twenty something, this was hilarious. Now, at thirty, this is a gross overreaction.

                Let’s face it, as a species, we do not like to ask for help. We don’t like to admit we’re wrong. We don’t like to admit we’re failing. We don’t like to admit WE might be the problem. All these things fly directly in the face of what self-help books try to teach you. I think that’s a common misconception about these books though. They’re not there to tell you everything you’ve been doing incorrectly in your life. They’re there to point out how you can do what you’re already doing in a better and healthier way. They also help curve your negative habits and give you ways to cope.

                My self-help book interest came when a friend of mine bought me the book “Zen as F*ck: A Journal for Practicing the Mindful Art of Not Giving a Sh*t” by Monica Sweeney. Oh man, I love this book. Mostly because I give a shit about EVERYTHING and I’ve spent most of my life trying to calm down and not care. One of the reasons I loved this book so much is because it’s a journal and it gives you different exercises to do. For instance, you write down all your worries or all the negative thoughts you have about yourself and then you take your pen and cross out each one of them. It gives you a sense of physically getting rid of those negative thoughts by striking through them.

                I enjoy the activities in self-help books. It makes me feel like I’m learning and doing something to help myself, which is the whole point.

                The next book I bought was: “I Am Here Now: A Creative Mindfulness Guide and Journal” by The Mindfulness Project. This one I found very interesting. I’m not a person who notices a lot of things around them like nature. I notice people, I enjoy observing people and their behavior and I’m also very wrapped up in my own thoughts, so I don’t notice other things. This book is all about calming your mind and focusing on something you’ve been taking for granted. For instance, if you go for a walk, don’t take your headphones. Instead, listen to the sounds around you. Birds, the wind, traffic, other people. Be in the moment. Don’t think about the 400 other things you have to do that day. Stop, breathe, focus on what is happening RIGHT NOW. This is hard for me because I find it difficult to turn off my brain but I tried and I did the exercises and I found it informative and calming.

                The book I’m currently reading is called, “You Are A Badass Every Day” by Jen Sincero. I’m only on page 50 but I’m loving it.

                Here’s the thing, this year has been a lot for me. I bought a house which was a HUGE decision. It’s a decision I was ready and prepared and wanted to make but still, parting with a large sum of money you’ve spent YEARS cultivating is enough to send anyone into a panic attack. And it did, multiple times. I love my house though. I love and am proud that I was able to purchase a house on my own.

                Right after, and I mean literally a few weeks after I bought my house, I turned thirty. I did NOT handle thirty well at all. I’m still not handling it very well. Because although I did this awesome thing by purchasing a house, I’m still thirty and alone.

                In other words, my anxiety levels have never been higher than this past summer. Not to mention, I’ve put on ten pounds since May and I am FURIOUS about it. I worked my ass off to be down into the low 170s and now I’m back in the 180s and I could literally scream every single morning I step on the scale. One big way to stop that would be to NOT step on the scale every single morning but that’s impossible for me. I’m well aware I did this to myself. I eat my feelings and I know it.

                The weight gain and the anxiety have been unbearable lately. Thus, the self-help books. I need help. I hate saying it, I hate admitting it, I hate NEEDING it. I’m an independent person, I don’t like to ask for help because I feel as if I should be able to handle, deal, and fix my problems by myself. That’s not reality though. Everyone needs help, everyone needs to feel heard, everyone needs to realize you can’t do everything by yourself all the time.

                One of my biggest issues is my brain overthinking. I tend to think out every possible scenario of a situation, so I’m prepared for any outcome. I know this is a problem and I actively fight against it. In Jen Sincero’s book, she writes, “Clinging to fear, doubt, and worry doesn’t protect you from things you’re fearing, doubting, and worrying about anyway-- but it does make you experience your worst-case scenario before it happens, if it even happens at all. It’s like hitting yourself in the head with a rock all day so you can be prepared in case something falls out of the sky and hits you in the head…All worrying will do is make you live through misery twice.”.

                Now, obviously not worrying about something is easier said than done but having that association of hitting yourself in the head with a rock is helpful for me. If I start to spiral, I can think of that and how silly it is and how I’m hurting myself by worrying constantly.

                I also have these horrible thoughts sometimes about death. It’s been happening more frequently. I’ll be sitting at work or at home doing something and BOOM, I’ll have a thought of, “Jesus, I could die today and I will have done nothing with my life”. Or BOOM “I could die today and that’s it. I’m done. I’m gone. I will never walk, talk, laugh, or see my family ever again. I’ll vaporize and be nothing but a memory.” DO YOU SEE WHY I NEED HELP!? I probably also need faith in some kind of afterlife but that’s a different topic for a different day.

                Anyway, Jen Sincero writes, “…remember that you can move this thought out as quickly as you allowed it in”. What? That’s a possibility? Because when I have thoughts like this, I dwell on them for HOURS until they torture me. The thought of being able to stop, breathe, find something else to focus on honestly never occurred to me. Also, my two biggest problems, the overthinking and the awful thoughts, feed off one another. I have one bad thought, I’m going to overthink it to death.

                The idea of being able to stop the thoughts and move onto something else, something that brings me joy, is new to me and you can be damn sure I’m going to try it every chance I get.

                I let things overpower me: thoughts, people, the world. I let them in and then I let them take control of my mind. Being told I can move them out as quickly as I let them in is a huge deal.

                Now, what can we learn from all of this? As much as my Irish and Italian heritage is telling me to bury all the bad things deep, deep, deep down until I die, I can’t. It will eat me alive if I do. It’s okay to read self-help books. If you buy the ones with exercises, they’re enjoyable and give you more of an eye-opening experience when you see what you’re thinking and feeling written out right in front of you. Obviously, you have to find the right one for you because certain things don’t work for everyone so try a few out and see what you can get from them.

                I’m not saying these things are a magic cure all. As with everything in life, it only works if you put the work into it. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to not be okay all the time. Working on bettering yourself is not something to ashamed of; people work on their bodies to look better, you need to work on your mind to feel better.

                The self-help section is not a self-hell section. Self-hell is where I currently live and I’m consistently working on my way out.

River and Stress (not connected)

    Sorry, I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been swamped at work and I have a new kitten at home so things have been a bit hectic. Let’s talk about the kitten first. Her name is River Winchester (part Doctor Who/part Supernatural) and she’s a calico with a little bit of tabby on one side of her face. Never in my life did I see myself as a cat person. I love all animals and I’ve cat sit for people over the years and they’ve never bothered me. I just always assumed when I was on my own, I would buy a pug puppy and live happily ever after. However, when you realistically think about it, I’m not home nearly enough to train a puppy and it’s not fair to keep a puppy locked up in an apartment or in a cage for 8 hours a day. 

    Adopting a kitten wasn’t something I was planning. There’s a shelter called Lucky You Animal Rescue in Bensalem run by my friend Jackie’s Mom. (Facebook link: https://www.facebook.com/luckyyouanimalrescue/?fref=ts ) Jackie and I went to one of their events on Sunday to show support and see all the animals. It was towards the end of the event when we showed up. We walked over to the Lucky You booth and Debbie (Jackie’s Mom) plopped a black kitten in Jackie’s arms and a calico in mine. These kittens were barely 2 lbs and the calico (named Petunia then) was lying in my arms so cute and I don’t know what came over me but I fell in love with her. I gave her back and tried not to think about her but that was impossible. By Monday afternoon, I talked to my Mom and Dad and my friends about what they thought about me adopting a kitten and everyone seemed on board. I texted Jackie and told her I was in, I wanted Petunia. 

                                                                         Me and River

    It wasn’t until a week after having her that I realized there might have been a psychological thing behind my adopting River. I used to have one stuffed cat. My Grandmom gave her to me and I carried her around everywhere. I used to even put my dog’s collar and leash around the toy and drag her around with me. I lost her in nursery school and never saw her again. She was probably stolen by some grubby handed four year old who wasn’t taught about STEALING….moving on. My stuffed cat looked almost exactly like River. Coincidence? Yeah, probably but I like to think it was fate. 

   River Winchester is awesome. She’s such a good kitten and I love coming home at the end of the day and having her waiting at the door for me. She’s probably the best decision I’ve made in a really long time. 

    Switching gears now.

    There’s been a lot of drama surrounding my life lately. And if there’s one thing in this life I prefer to avoid, it’s drama. Drama with work, friends and people who are supposed to be my friends. I’ve mentioned before how most of my friends come to me when they’re having problems and I tend to take those problems on as my own. But this is drama I’ve been forced to participate in because it directly affects me. It mostly has to do with women in my life. Women equal drama and that’s a fact of life. That’s why the show, Facts of Life, only starred women (totally made that up but it fits). Now, I’ll stick up for other people any day of the week. I’d go to war for the people I love. But when it comes to ME having a confrontation I like to keep my head down to avoid it. I just want everyone to be okay. I don’t like seeing other people cry. I don’t like seeing people about to rip each other’s faces off. This type of drama sends me catapulting back into the hellish halls of my all girl high school. I can’t deal with it. I couldn’t deal with it then and I can’t deal now.

   My only reprieve has been coming home to River and just trying to leave all the other bullshit outside of my apartment. And yet, it creeps in. The hurt from my friends, the stress from different situations and the sadness all penetrate my brain. I would like to blame the kitten trying to eat my hair for my lack of sleep lately but the truth is, my mind won’t turn off. I have problems and conversations and fights running through my head over and over again.

    People are annoyed about my counting down to Christmas but I couldn’t care less. It’s the only thing pushing me through the crappy days. Thanksgiving (10 days away) and Christmas (38 days) and all the days in between are my favorite. I see my family more and people in general are just happier, friendlier and I try not to let anything spoil this time of year for me. 

    The world is in a state of disarray lately. My only hope is the holiday season will have a lot less turmoil and a lot more kindness.

Prayers for Paris.

Peace.